from October 20th, 2002: There are reasons I'm an Alice Cooper fan. Dangerous Tonight Take another bite It'll be alright What's wrong will soon feel right Dangerous tonight Take another sip Let it kiss your lips And let a little drip on your thighs If you let me I'll untie your sensuality I'll open up your heart and satisfy my greed I'm dangerous, I'm a dying breed Poisonous like a centipede I'm capable of the foulest deed Dangerous at night I'm dangerous like a razorback Deadly like a heart attack Well, I don't bend and I don't crack Dangerous tonight Take another turn The rules have all been burned And you've got tricks to learn Dangerous tonight Play another role Try and lose control And stain your soul to red from white In my mind, oh, a million voices tell me no It's prime crime time and I gotta let it go I'm dangerous like a broken glass I'm a flesh fanatic psychopath I can cause you pain and make it last Dangerous tonight I'm dangerous when the sun goes down So cross yourself, don't fool around I'll drag your heart into the ground Dangerous tonight If you let me I'll untie your sensuality I'll open up your heart and satisfy my greed I'm dangerous, I'm a dying breed Poisonous like a centipede I'm capable of the foulest deed Dangerous at night I'm dangerous like a razorback Deadly like a heart attack Well, I don't bend and I don't crack Dangerous tonight I'm dangerous like a broken glass I'm a blood bubonic psychopath I can cause you pain and make it last Dangerous tonight It all happened in slow unfolding stages that year, the first year, the first year I put it all together. After the incident with Connor, I felt more or less okay, for a while. Seemed to be injuring friends left and right, was slowly going crazy thinking I was losing my mind, was afraid to go near large groups of people, but I was actually convincing myself that it was just a stage and things were coming back to normal. The boy we'll call Skunk had accepted a date from a pretty young black girl that had been co-currently dating (along with many others, I later discovered) the rapist twit I'd been pining for, he being far away from me in northern California. I was a friend of hers, and she had come to me, asking if it was okay if she went out with Skunk. Huh, I thought. She felt guilty over dating someone else. I didn't mind polyamorous behavior as long as I knew about it, and told her so, and we parted friends and happy. What I had neglected to ask was when the date had been scheduled. That night, it hit again. Burning hunger. Burning pain. Desire for blood unending. The craving sent me out driving, I couldn't stay still, I couldn't stay home. I had to go, I had to be gone, I had to find a safe haven... Understand: for me, it was never a matter of finding some bar and convincing some loser to let me slash his wrist. I was in fucking Sacramento, California at the time. I could have had that easily. But I knew that kind of thing would terrify me. Let alone get me a reputation in the area for strange behavior, but I also felt that there had to be some level of trust between me, and the people who fed me. My father died of AIDS; I was afraid of bad blood. So. Can't go to the bar. Can't pick up some random stranger. Had to go with someone I knew. And I'd only told two people, one of whom, in my mind, qualified as a child, and also, wasn't interested in me in any way, and therefore, was out. That left Skunk. I drove to his house. Not there. I drove to his friend's house. Not there. I drove to a 7-11 and called him. Once again, I don't remember what I said. My voice shook, I remembered that. I was trembling, I was shaking, I think I was begging him to come meet me by the park. And I waited there in the little black car, hands wrapped around myself tight enough for my fingers to bruise my arms--I had several patches of little round circles, fingertip-marks, on my upper arms the next day. Finally, he arrived, and he looked good, and he looked less pale, and he looked...worried. Why was he worried? Turns out I'd called him about an hour from when he was supposed to pick up the girl. He'd borrowed his dad's van, and they were supposed to go to a movie, and...damn. I locked it down. I locked it all down. It was a deadening act of will to lock it all away. Not kill the desire, I couldn't do that, but for a while, lock away its ability to escape and harm anyone around me. I turned, shaking, nodding my head. "Okay," I said. "Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll go." He sounded worried, touching my arm. "I can cancel," he said then. "If you need me--" I should have won the Oscar for this one. I inhaled, breathing out slowly, and turned. When I turned, I was relaxed, calm, my hands at my sides. I smiled slightly. "No, it's okay. I'll be fine. It was--just a moment." He still looked worried. "If you're sure--" "I'm sure," I said, waving a hand. "Really. Go on." And I walked back to my car. I started the ignition, pulled out smoothly, waved to him, and drove off. I ended up somewhere up in the foothills, around Auburn, and turned off on an inlet road. I'd bought a pack of cloves on the way and I smoked half a pack there, stubbed one of them out against my left arm--there's a tattoo there now, of the eye of Horus, the left eye of Ra, the iris nearly in the center of the round silver scar--and fell asleep. The next morning, I drove back to my home, and curled up in a small ball, wishing I wasn't who I apparently was, wishing I knew what the hell was going on. Green roses courtesy of: Write me. Go onto the next one, if you like. Or you could go back to Blood & Coffee and forget the whole thing. Up to you.